beth91's Journal

why me
ok,so i have been thinking baout starting a journal for a while. I had heard about htis but just kept putting it off. Then today i have been sooo bored i have spent all day since 9 am until now and i will most likely remain online till when i go bed, which will probably be about 10.

Anywya my mum has gotten back form egypt and it has been really nice seeing her after a week and a half, she finally got back on thursday. It was great to see her picture and what she had bougth etc. n last night Phil (my 17 year old brother) got back from Tenerife.

Yesrterday i wen to London with my mum and her friend and her daughter it was a great day, apart from a few snappy comments form my mum which werent't all that essecary ( i feel really bad saying this becuase i love her so much and it was nice of her to take me)And so we came back and i finally got to see Phil his girlfriend and friends were round. I went upstaris to watch "How to lose a guy in 10 days"But then they went out so i watched it downstairs with my mum till i feel asleep and went to bed.

Then this morning i got up with a smile on my face, i was quiet happy that i actually had a decentish nights sleep.I dont tink my mum realsies how importnat it is to me that sleep enough. I have been syaing for ages thta sometiems i just get sooo tired, but i think she just thinks it's me trying to get attention, as she hasn't ken me to the doctor or anything. BUt it really is quite bad, and i don't get mch sleep, hnc emy big bags, i hate them and i am really self consious of them. But i dont know if the whole thing is me being a stupid hypercondriac and thinking terrible things are wrong with me.

It was only Wednesday when i nearly passed out in school, and not for the first time, its happened about 3 times, and even the PE teacher said that it wasnt like me and that i went really weird. She mad emepromise to goo the doctor about it, so i tolmy mum and sh didnt seem that bothered, she didnt book a oppointment at the doctors, instead she told me that when i go for my ashma ccheck up we can talk about it then, thats like 2 weeks away though. I havent been feeling yself for a while and i feel there are some huge pressures that one day will make me snap. No body knows any of this, or how i feel, i cnat tll peopele this kind of thing. i just turn it into a joke so that thy cantsee that i am actually weird and upset.

I odnt no if this is a hormonal teenage thing, but i am just soo fed up.
Everyoen can do what they want in my fmaily, being the youngest i have like no desisions. People re constantly doing what they want and being independant. Whereas me, i feel like i just get in the way and cause hassle for everyone. My eyes are glasing over and i can barly see what i am typing. I am slightly ashamed, i havent ever wrote about any of this before but now it has just brought it home to me that i am really upset inside. I odnt no whether this is me, or whether i am just saying it, its like i dont no if what i am saying is true. I dont no if i have something wrong with me or whether its just everyone feels like this sometimes. I am just going ot have to get through it, but although i am quite close ot my mum i feel kind of pushed away at the moment, and i dont no whetrher its my behaviour or hers. We havent had any argumets i just feel differently. She spoilt me wrotten yetserdya an di just feel so two faced, and childish.

I have so much work i should b doing but just dont want to even start it. Phils going out tonight, and suprise surpise is mum. Once again i will be left on my own, and i just feel as though i am geting in my mums way,as if she mightfeel that she shouldnt have had me, because now Matt and phil are olde rhse should be able to do as she wants, but im still here stopping her from being free. I am now crying more so than i have doen for ages. And in a way i want osmeone ot walk in my room and see me like this, to help me, but i dont no whats wrong with me so i dont no what we could even do to sort it out.

I dont no if everyone feels like this at some point or another, but this seems to always be at the back of myming,t he thought that i may not be wanted and just get in poeples way

Well this first log has been serverl depressing, this is really not liek me to talk abotu this, i talk lots but usually about random rubbish not my inner most thoughts. Aww and yay, wahoo tomoroow and tuesday i have another 11 hour school day. thats sure to be fun!!! thtas great to look forward to.
Anyway thanks for listening, i dotn no how much i will use you, but hts does seem to have helped clear my head and actually bring to my attentoion how i relaly do feel.
I am no tot sur ehow this works but it people can vie this i would appreciate your comments and advise
BETH xox

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Willy Mason- Oxygen

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